Before you read this page, keep in mind the page is filled with words that have not been thought of before this moment. I write what flows thru my heart and mind.
I write for me as well as you, I write to release all emotions that control me. I do not write to pleasure you but myself. I need an outlet, I am an over emotional being that knows what she wants and exactly how to get it, if she were to wish it to be so.
When you read I do hope you find part of yourself, the part that was uncertain and lost. I wish you peace, hope and happiness in the remaining days of your life and ask for nothing from you but to be the best you can be and commit to your own happiness and well being.
Read but do not weep for once the tear hits the ground it is gone forever into the earth of our lives.
I awoke to a sweat soaked body, my own body drowning in the sea as it subsides. A place that made me once feel loved and secure no longer existed as it followed the sea out to other shores.
I was so obviously lost in my own deception of his love for me, words used to control, cause pain, lie, steal. Words of comfort, caring and loving, nothing but words and empty promises.
We are nothing more than two people that have lost their way in life and have grabbed onto each other as a life raft, but the life raft had a pin hole and we slowly drowned.
He had this overwhelming urge to hurt me for some unknown reason. I did not hurt his family, tell his wife things that should have come from him. No I did not seek to destroy this person but he did seek to destroy me with such great delight.
He had lied for three years, he was single, no kids, no job, no money ect. when the fact of the matter was he just had to be part of the elite. He had come to know a way of life few experience yet live. He had to have the best in clothes, cars, horses, ect. but he was an unfulfilled man as he finally had realized the best cannot be bought, borrowed or stolen.
He was the main reason I was losing my home, my life, me and he didn’t care one bit as I was nothing to him and never had been. He had an affair with his own wants and forgot about his needs.
He walked the soccer and polo fields with his wife as if it were their right of ownership. Both in denial, life was no longer fresh and exciting, sex was no longer romantic and deep, even dinner became a standard of boring that was no longer acceptable for either.
They married so young, raised a family and lost themselves in the spotlight. Yes they did love each other but it was not the love that a person seeks to make them happy, crazy and silly enjoying each other for the rest of their lives.
His wife had beauty, grace, class-she was a fantastic mother and person in the main, but she forgot how to be the girl he fell in love with. He wanted those silly moments back, he wanted the romance, he wanted a girl’s carefree nature in a woman’s body.
There had been to many arguments, time apart, separate dreams, hopes and wishes and she was no longer the innocent girl of her youth, but instead a woman that reveled in the wealth of life her husband provided.
What happened to intimacy? What happened to honor, respect and enjoying the simple things in life? Over the years, she had lost pride in her husband as well as herself. There was no turning back, no recapturing the moments in time of once becoming one.
They lived as the rich and famous do but no matter how much they surrounded themselves with, they were never happy. Happiness comes to us in forms and shapes we cannot see or touch, it comes to us freely to open our world and our lives;
I have lost everything that gave me peace of mind and security in my life, no one alive, no one who cared, no one that would give of themselves to protect me from harm.
I spent the last six months sharing recovery time of a lost spouse with another who had lost his wife to cancer. We were not lovers, we were not even close friends. We were two people that had experienced a horrific loss and we didn’t know how to find a way to get back on track.
We never kissed passionately, just a kiss or two of comfort not the type of kiss of love or lust, the type of kiss you give to an injured child. We held each other and we cried for our guilts and loss but we did not find solace in each others beds. It was not to be that way and never would.
A man cannot live without a woman especially if he has been married and has lost. Men remarry within two years of a death or divorce, just a matter a statistics. I had reached my first year loss milestone and his year was not far away. Together? Not together, we would never be, in fact we were parting. We came into each other’s lives for a specific reason of healing and he had found himself another woman to fill his bed and hopefully his heart.
She found me to be a threat to her relationship with him, this was so far from the truth that her fears were obviously of insecurity. She enjoyed the fine dining, theatre, travel ect. as if it were her legacy.
I found myself turning down every offer he had given me to go out on the town, travel as friends and be close. I did not want his closeness, just someone that could feel and has lived the pain that I have dealt with.
I had lost all sexual desire to be with another, these feelings are no longer a driving force but had since been replaced with emotions of wanting to share with another the simple life that God gave us to enjoy but man insists on destroying.
I made my move over the weekend, leaving him to his own devices and his new woman. I explained I was only a stepping stone across the creek for him and nothing more. The new woman in his life would hopefully fill that empty space of his long gone wife. I would not be the barrier that kept away what he so obviously needed in another human being.
I bowed out of his life gracefully and did not make the lame promise of being there if “he needed me”. I was no longer there and he was no longer there for me either.
I returned to my “woman cave”, my refuge was in my bedroom, I covered my head with the blanket as if to ward off the demons of delight. Yes, I do believe in demons and their ability to enjoy and delight in others losses and pains.
I wasn’t the type of woman that found temporary contentment in random sex or taking a man for all he was worth. This was not me, not the woman of this century but of a time long ago, a much simpler life.
I am a fiery, passionate woman engulfed in desires of the heart that will never come to fruition. The man that held my heart does not love me nor wanted to let me go either.
I thought I knew his secrets and his heart but I was wrong, so very wrong. I had allowed myself to love this man to the depths that no other has ever reached. I truly cared about him and his happiness but that was not returned. He wanted me out of his life and I tried I really did but my heart refused to cut the ties that bind.
I found him wildly attractive as a person, not his outward appearance but the part of self he tried to hide and protect from the world of users and abusers. I didn’t want his material shit or part of his fame. Those things are hollow rewards in life as I have found.
He had spoken words of loving me, wanting to marry me and on and on, both of us knowing that I was there for him when those that should be were not. I was truly his friend and wanted nothing more then to see a smile on his face and hear the tap dance of his heart.
He made remarks of winning the lottery, as if that would ever happen and we both knew there was no future for even a friendship any longer. He needed to repair the holes in his marriage, in his life and within himself and I could not do that for him.
I admit when he first started contacting me I was flattered and wondered what in the hell he saw in me. Then it came to light, money like a whore on the street, was all he wanted.
He was no longer physically capable of playing the game that brought him fame and fortune but he had picked up some wealthy connections along the way. He finally realized he lived for the roar of the crowd but his stadium became silent. He could not live that way so he found himself in another sport for the rich and famous that brought him into contact with the elite, like himself.
He was once again enjoying the roar of the crowd but the eventual silence of the stadium was not to his liking. The women wore prada and gucci but carried empty hearts within their chests and he had to much passion within his soul to get caught up in shallow sex and emotion. His days of youth were gone and he wanted what his parents had.
A simpler way of life just enjoying each other for who they were and nothing more. His dad knew the secret of a truly happy man and hoped his son would realize the same future one day. His dad saw in his son an incomplete man, a man who had lived the riches of life but not the true wealth of a woman to love and be loved past the days of youth gone bye.
His father knew what most men do not, that love is pure, it is honest and supportive. It is the naked thigh on his and the comfortable silence of mutual respect and love. He knew his son had the love of youth but he could see his son was an empty, troubled man inside. He was there for his son but his son refused to share what was in his heart for fear of letting his father down.
Boys think their fathers expect so much and are disappointed in their children when they don’t live up to their fathers ideals. This is but a myth, a foolish myth that keeps doors closed and locked. A father will guide his son to the needs required for peace and happiness even if that means ending one out grown relationship to find the one that was meant for his son.
I am not a philosopher, physiologist or anyone special, I’m a mother trying to raise my children to know and trust me to be honest and forth right with them.
I love this man and always will as we are soul mates true to every letter of the word. I will not stand in his way, encourage him to change his life nor will I be there to fill his body with ecstasy that he should get from his wife.
I will not promote, encourage or demand him to be solely mine or mine at all, this is not the woman I am. The world we live in is not paved with gold and silver and people always want what others have.
All I want is him to let me love him and him me, to make his world bright and sunny, make him feel light hearted and carefree as in his youth. I have asked for nothing and have taken nothing from him. This is not acceptable to his world as that is how people run their lap in his circle.
The horses that ran into the millions gave him more flight then any other soul on earth. These fierce less animals are so gentle and giving, like himself. He took refuge in a morning ride into the fields of dreams.
He rode his horses like he rode himself, hard and with direction and similar to the moody horse as well.
He had it all, right in front of him but it all was so confusing to him. He liked the finer things in life and didn’t want to give them up but yet, he refused to let in the one person that could change is life for the better, the woman who admired him for him and nothing more.
She just wanted to share the wind with him, the waves of the ocean, the blue of skys. She wanted nothing more than to take care of him, exalt him and keep him in a real place.
He had chosen to delete her from his life as easily as deleting a friend on facebook. He feared fear, the fear of his own desires and the inability to control his emotions.
I am no ordinary woman, no I have big boobs of a lusty woman and balls bigger then most men. I am a combination of male/female that is either threatening to a man or wildly exhilarating.
He would not check and see if she sent him any email and he even shut off communication by phone but this was not to help him. He could not leave this intriguing woman to her own devices.
He found her so refreshing, so real and so honestly loving and caring he didn’t know how to let her go. He kept her from meeting others, read her mail to see if she was lying, hacked her life completely.
He confused her with the gelding he had just purchased, she was not to be bought and put in a stall until he was ready to ride her. She was worth so much more and he damn well knew it.
He was letting her go as gracefully as he could but his own jealousy and desires controlled him and his actions. She on the other hand loved him so much she did not want to see hurt come to his life in anyway. She respected him for himself not his name and fame but she was quickly losing respect and desire to even know this man any longer.
She was incapable of hate or the desire to sooth her own heart at another’s expense would never again happen in her lifetime.
I am she, yes I am the woman that loves you for you, the humanitarian that hides within a lonesome body, the man that deserves to be put on a pedestal for his kind heart and teach him to let go of his selfish ways.
I waited, for years I waited and finally realized I was hurting you more than loving you. I took the high road to let you go but the rain has made one slippery slope that I just can’t seem to conquer.
You have questions? You have doubts? No I never fucked another man, yes I tried everything sexual to excite my husband. He didn’t care, he never loved me the way I need to be loved. I was a semen depository, nothing more and then he realized he loved me for caring for him the way I did.
If women took care of their man the way I believe-there would be no divorce, no lonely nights, empty beds and sad endings. No there would be so much happiness that it would be overwhelming.
I am a lonely, sad, old woman who has no choice but to live my life as one with one, the one being myself.