I’ve never been one for games, board games especially but I must confess to several weaknesses of play that are alluring to me. I do enjoy a good game of euchre when the partners read each other like the morning news. My second, is pool yes I do confess I belonged to a pool league for years and loved it.

I’m more of a technology type of individual, I enjoy figuring out how people and things work and technology is such a turn on in my life because it makes the brain work in areas it never had before. I enjoy a good debate and learning from others, I enjoy observing people in their natural environment and how they react to everyday living.

I’m into the metaphysical, spiritual and deeper levels of thought that most have no concept of. I enjoy expressing myself in tangible ways that puts a smile on a person’s face. Simple things like making their favorite desert, full body massage, reminding them that they are sexy. It’s these things that are fresh and we let go stale, times we should be listening instead of talking and talking instead of listening.

Life is so complex as are relationships, I expect so much of others because I expect so much of myself which in turn leaves me cheating me. I have been living my life in a sea of lies to myself, I have never been true to myself but have always lived up to others expectations of me.

As bad as my life has been, there are others that have prospered in their youth while I fought the good fight to survive in a fucked up world. I could look back with many regrets and feel sorry for myself but there is no point. My life’s path was set before I took my first breath and I have suffered, yes but on the flip side I am a much wiser person as well as compassionate.

God gives man free will to make choices but the path he has laid before me I have followed and yes I have made my own choices as well. There are no life coincidences, I believe God has watched over me because if he hadn’t I surely would be dead. My trials and tribulations have been painful at best and I do know that the best of me still lies dormant. The part of me that is waiting to be awoken by true, honest love not the kind you only hear but see as well as feel, the kind of love that is rare, genuine and all giving.

There are two pieces of me in this world, I being one half and the other being my eternal mate whom ever he may be. I don’t sit and wait but continue each day with lack luster excitement. There are no happy moments, just moments of an occasional smile or thought that temporarily rules my mind. I look in the mirror and hate who I see because I am my own undoing, I am the walrus, I am the sesspool, I am the caldron of boiling oil.

I am filled with rage, not anger, not hate, no, fucking rage. I am tired of fighting every single fucking day for even a scrap of bread, I’m tired of talking to the walls, I am tired of sleeping alone night after night and I am tired of being the one that has to fix every fucking thing in life. You cannot drop a quarter in the slot and get your questions answered as if I’m Webster. I’m tired of trying to survive on pop cans and free samples or going into a restaurant and asking for a glass of water and stealing the salt and pepper shakers because I cannot afford fucking salt and pepper and I’m really tired of going into a fast food chain to steal ketchup and mustard packs.

I can change all this with saying a single word, yes. Yes to marriage, yes to a billionaire and letting him take care of all my problems as easily as it to clear a desk the backside of one arm. But I refuse, I got myself into this mess, I made the decisions and choices and I must clean it up by myself. The funny thing about God is the way he works, in my mind’s eye, our destiny’s are set and God gives us the ability to make choices along the way but silly me used to think I made my choices, which I do not. God created man to be a free thinker because man requires a certain amount of self esteem to survive. I call it servivalsteem because without it we cannot live, we cannot survive, it is a required part of our existence and I accept that. I believe God let’s us think we are making our own choices when the fact of the matter is, he makes them secretly, which of course.

I am not marriage material and never will be, I do not fall into the helpless female role and rely on others. Men need to feel needed and I have a hard time with that, because I truly do not need a man to survive and refuse to play the helpless widow card. I have asked for help so few times in my life and even fewer times have actually gotten help. People that have the ability to help, just don’t and I have accepted that.

Asking for someone’s help is like choking on a cock and I don’t choke and I don’t ask any longer. I’m finding myself releasing my anger in negative ways and not liking myself for it. I am not a violent person but I do and have reached the point of a pressure cooker that has finally blown. I’m into cellphones this week, lightweight, easy to through and they land nicely against the wall, not to many pieces but they sure do stop ringing fast.

I’ve taken a stand in the laundry department as well, my kids leave the laundry room floor full of dirty clothes and I’m sick of it. I brought in the outgrown plastic wagon and filled it with clothes, pulled the wagon outside and down to where my driveway meets the street and dumped three loads of clothes. the damn pile was almost as tall as me. My kids came home wanting to know why there was a pile of clothes blocking the driveway and I simply explained I will no longer climb fucking Mt. Whale to get to washer and with a smile I looked at each one of them and said “you want your clothes you know where they are” and they both asked if I had been drinking. No what the goddamn fuck I am not drinking but sick to fucking death of living in a pig sty.