Si me amas

Most people know that they are loved or have been loved by someone special in their lives. I am not talking about love from your parents or relatives, not your kids or your pets.

I am talking about the love that comes from a relationship with that one special person that you have carried within your heart for years. In my opinion it isn’t possible to fall in love with someone in several months but there are those that have done just that.

People take love and mistaken it for something it isn’t and some people get so caught up in the moment they think they are in love. Some people become obsessed with another and think that is love as well.

When you love someone you want to be with them, you want to help them, you want to listen to them, hold them, kiss them, make them smile, make them laugh. You do not sit in the background and become a spectator to their lives.

If you really love someone you will do what ever you must to be with that person and you do not use others to be a substitute for that one your heart yearns for. You step up and let that person know you want to know them, be their friend and you build a relationship with the person.

I  have so many men that want to be in a relationship with me and I do not wish that as there is only one that holds my heart. He hides behind la computadora and he fucks a much younger woman.

He isn’t happy even though he has moments that do make him smile and sometimes laugh. I am not waiting for him but I am obviously waiting for someone who will make my heart skip a beat, make me long with physical desire for that person.

The one I think about often is from Argentina and he has three sisters, one of which he is especially close to. She, like myself is a Scorpio and I can tell you that she is very traditional in many ways. 

She loves her brother and wants him to be happy but she doesn’t agree with some things that he has done. No one agrees with us totally and when a close sibling doesn’t support us it hurts us as it feels like a betrayal at times.

I would so enjoy meeting this sister as I do believe we would get on famously. He has such a great relationship with this sister and I am so glad for him. I have one sibling alive that is the devils spawn and it hurts not be able to confide in her.

We always want our siblings to approve of those that we date and marry but I can tell you Gabriella does not approve of her brother dating anyone much younger. I am sure she would let him know but she would probably be very cautious at voicing her opinion.

We would get on famously as we have the same beliefs, morals and we are true to ourselves. I would never want to meet her unless he was divorced and we had been dating for several months.

I would love to go out with him and just be friends, get to know each other and see how we mesh as individuals. I would never have sex with him until he was closer to the end of his divorce.

Will we ever meet? I do not know but I do know that I am not waiting for him and am spending time with some pretty special men. Sexually, I am saving that part of me for a relationship that is sound and filled with love.

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A Good Beating

Tags

a good beating, petchard

Last night a friend and I went to a party, yes the kind that you beat or get beaten at. I ended up playing with Petchard from Fetlife as he is a local that attends the parties. He was in Bosnia and they captured him and attempted to force him to give information.

They cut off his toes on his left foot one by one and then cauterised the open wound of each removed toe. He woke up three days later in an American hospital and he has enjoyed serious pain since that time.

He has a polyamorous relationship with DutchessEve and out of respect for her I requested to play with Petchard. He looked bored as hell so I asked him if he would be interested in playing. He jumped at the opportunity like a bum after a free lunch.

The Dutchess had brought her bag of toys which was quite a nice selection and she allowed me to use her toys. I do not like to use my toys on people I do not know or have never played with.

I started with the floggers and moved on to the leather spanking paddles, a few acrylic paddles, whips and wooden paddles. I was limited to the use of my right arm as I have somehow injured my left upper arm and cannot really use that arm.

I have been in so much pain to the point that I have had to take a break from swimming for two days at a time. I swim an hour and walk an hour but the pain has kept me from exercising at all.

Anyway, I was able to leave Petchard with some pretty handsome bruises and I also broke skin in  several spots. This surprised me as it wasn’t my intention to bring forth blood.

As I was playing I thought about my sister and how she has treated me and I thought about karma and how karma will rear its ugly head and teach my hateful sister a lesson. I have decided not to let myself be controlled by anger or hate and just let a higher power teach others the lessons they need to learn.

Just because I am limited to one hand doesn’t mean that I cannot give a good thrashing. As you can see by the above pictures I gave the best I could under the circumstances and he really enjoyed himself, now that is all that matters isn’t it?

Closet Of Color Pg 6

Tags

Closet Of Color Pg 6

They had made an arrangement that worked rather well for both of them. They played and then they slept together but she never had sex with him. She was the domme’ and he was one of her subs and he followed her every direction.

They spooned but that was a s far as things went physically between them. He had asked her once if she didn’t like sex and she laughed so hard that tears ran down her cheeks. She explained to him that she adored sex but refused to fuck someone just for the sake of getting off.

She had told him she was waiting for that special person that was her soulmate. She knew one day that the man who was meant to be with her would be and then and only then would she allow herself the pleasure of a mans body inside her once again.

This woman never seized to amaze him as she could accomplish anything she set her mind to. She had a will of titanium and she was head strong for sure. No one could make her do a damn thing she didn’t want to and she would never be a push over for anyone.

She showed him a kindness when others laughed at him as he had a physical deformaty that made so many shun him. Not her, she took him under her wing and had shown him what love was.

She had given him so much of her time and she listened intently when he needed to unload his mental garbage. She never made him feel small and worthless as so many women had. She always encouraged him to reach for the stars and go after his dreams.

He had a damn good paying career and so many women tried to get with him and empty his pockets. They wanted so much from him except himself and this had made him almost hate women in some respect.

They didn’t give a shit about him but what he could give them and it had been so obvious to him. Women were users and wanted someone to support them and give them kids. He had one woman try to trap him by getting pregnant but he knew it wasn’t his kid.

He was always so safe and always wore condoms and when done he flushed them. His domme had told him to never throw a used condom in the trash but to flush it so no woman could get his sperm and insert it into herself.

She had taught him so much as she told him what to look for in a woman’s body language, what to listen for and to read between the lines. She told him what he should expect in bed with a woman and what not to expect.

She had been his friend, his mentor and even his personal chef at times. She loved to cook and he enjoyed a good homemade meal and they had shared many meals and nights just talking.

She had confided in him that she did not enjoy inflicting pain on others but did so as they enjoyed it. So many domme’s were taking out their anger in the form of severe spankings and inflicting as much pain as possible.

She was not sadistic but instead she was a sensual domme’. She preferred to bring as much erotic pleasure to a body as she could. She enjoyed watching men squirm in anticipation of what she would do to them next.

She enjoyed tease and denial and the way she did it made a guy cum without her even touching them. She was so damn hot and exciting that the list of men that wanted to spend time with her was quite lengthy.

She never had sex with any of the men she spent time with and so many could not understand how she could never have sex but the men kept coming back to her. Her time was precious and she was very picky with whom she spent her time with.

 

Yo juego

Tags

yo juego

Everyone needs to play and everyone plays differently, some play card games, some play on the beach, some play board games but I, I play bdsm games with the men that request to experience my  brand of play.

I had two eye hooks installed in my basement and they are perfectly distanced for hooking handcuffs to. I had lunch today with a gentleman from Romania and we had a lovely chat.

I made it clear that I never have sex with anyone that I am playing with unless I am involved with that person. We had a discussion of his likes and dislikes and he really gets off on pain as he is a pain slut.

He actually gets really turned on by pain and he gets an erection and he has orgasms which is fine with me. The men that come to me to play like to be naked and handcuffed, they like sensory deprivation, cbt, spankings and the list goes on.

I am very careful when I play as I respect those in my space and never do anything they do not wish to experience. I am also against leaving permanent marks that would have to be explained later.

These men want to experience my brand of fun without their spouses knowing and I never involve myself in their personal lives. They want clothes pins on their balls and they want to feel the sting of a wire hanger.

I admit I have a kinky side but if I met the right guy and he wasn’t into trying anything in the bdsm world I would actually be ok with that. I could easily walk away from anything that didn’t serve both of us.

I may be a domme but I do so enjoy having great sex and enjoying the company of a male that is exciting and fun. I like intelligence and I like someone who can challenge me mentally.

I’m so tired of ignorance and users, liars and thieves and all I want is to meet that one guy that can be my best friend, be my lover, be my motivator and the one that is in my corner cheering me on.

 

Ti Amo

Tags

ti amo

The words “I love you” are used without thought or real meaning by so many people. To tell someone you love them should mean more than a few words and one should never say them unless they truly come from the heart.

I haven’t told anyone that I loved them in so long that I had actually forgotten that the words were in my vocabulary. When I love someone the words mean little if I do not show them through my actions that they own my heart.

You can hack my blog and post that you love me so but the truth is that you do not or you would be with me. Just another person using words out of context as far as I am concerned.

I can not allow anyone to get close to me as I am as fragile as glass inside and have no desire to feel the pain that accompany’s love. True love shouldn’t hurt but it does as we often hurt the ones we love.

If you loved me you wouldn’t be fucking someone else and you wouldn’t keep me guessing as when you will enter my life or if you shall ever enter my life. You love to shock me and confuse me but to do so does not show love it shows control and manipulation at its worse.

You are in such need of real love, real committment, a real woman who cares about you from the inside out. As you know, I would have no trouble burning money to stay warm as I have learned long ago that money should only be used to provide essentials.

You like your fancy lifestyle and you like living large while I on the other hand would be quite happy with a pig farmer as long as he loved me and only me. It’s not about what you have or who the world knows you as. 

It’s about loving and being loved and being happy, just a simple kind of happy that comes from the simplest of pleasures. Do you have any idea how many times I have crawled into bed and held onto my pillow as the tears rolled down my cheeks?

Do you have any idea how I have let myself care for you, worry about you, want only the best for you? You want for nothing and can buy any woman you want almost, except me of course you can never buy me as the price tag is way more than what your bank account could ever hold.

I may be a simple muijer but I am not simple-minded and I am not someone to walk all over or take advantage of.  Why can’t you just be my pig farmer and we live happily ever after?

Remnants

Tags

remnants

I woke up this morning in so much pain as my body is riddled with arthritis and bursitis. Every time it rains the pain is almost off the charts and wakes me up. I moved like a turtle at best on days like today.

It started out raining and then the large snowflakes started to fall. I watched them hit the ground and it was a reminder of different times in my life. Remnants Remnants of few good times hit the cement and shattered like broken glass.

I think back to the times when I lived with my grandmother after my grandfather passed away. We would sit and talk for hours about the farm we used to live on and she taught me so much.

I learned the importance of family and having dinner together, I learned the importance of the earth and gardening, I learned how to love from a place so deep within myself that only a special person could draw it out of me, I learned to trust myself and I learned to be a responsible and respectable human being.

My grandmother was my rock and she kept life secure and stable. When she died I lost part of myself and no I have never gotten that part of me back. Those of us that grew up with grandparents know the importance they played in our lives. My grandmother’s were my everything and taught me so much.

Once again I look out the window and see the big flakes land on the back deck and I watch them melt. It is a reminder of days gone by, never to be relived and a gentle sadness settles into my  heart.

My grandmother was big on discipline and she would always get a switch from a tree and that is what I was punished with. Nothing hurts more than a damn switch on the bare legs. Through her discipline I learned respect of others and I do not regret a single thing she did to teach me.

I think back to a time when I found a toad stool and called it a frog bench instead, I remember our cow giving birth to two calves, I remember the tornado that knocked down our barn, I remember the blue streak snake  on the porch and I remember the cool summer breeze coming into my bedroom window at night.

I can remember going to sleep feeling safe and secure and never worrying about a damn thing. As an adult there is always something to worry about or someone who relies on me to take care of another issue, another problem.

I would so love to have some time off and just run through a waterfall, ride a horse through a field, sit by a creek and eat a simple lunch. It just seems that life is passing me by and I am nothing more than a spectator.

I so want someone just to take my hand and show me the way, the way to happiness, the way to a carefree day, the way to laughter and love. I just want “him” to show me that life is worth living and yes I will be happy and cared for once again.

`

Just A Woman

There is a quiet sadness that resides within my soul, a sadness nobody but I knows of, only I have lived with it and only I have been wrapped in the blanket of loneliness and emptiness. One person could change how I feel but he has yet to show himself, he has yet to step out of the dark.

Astrological

Tags

astrological, astrology, batistuta, gabriel

How true is his chart? So very true from my perspective

http://www.harmoniclife.com/sample.aspx?SampleID=60601

Chain of Pain

Tags

chain of pain, fuckable, relationship

It seems that most of us are programmed to look for a mate very early on in life. We look for that one person that we can pro create with. We look for the one that is going to be a perfect fit for us to raise a family with and to grow with.

We are looking for someone like our mother if we are a man or if we are a woman we look for a man like our father. This is proven through psychology studies but then there are those of us that didn’t have that opposite sex figure to guide us.

We tend to grow up with insecurities that way us down and we tend to easily fall into others view of us. If someone thinks we are unattractive, fat, stupid that sticks with us for our entire lives and we think the same of ourselves.

I have spent most of my adult life in and out of therapy learning how to like myself and ignoring the words that others define me by. It’s been quite a few years that I haven’t cared what others have thought about me or said.

I accept myself for who I am and I do not fool myself by thinking I am someone I am not. I get a lot of attention from younger as well as older men and I know exactly why the younger men want to be with me.

Younger men like a mature woman because we know what we want and we tend to be more secure than the younger woman. He also knows that the older woman isnt with him for his money or station in life, for the most part.

I have found life to be a chain of pain that we continue to add another link to. We fall in love early on and we think that relationship will last forever. It ends up falling apart like an old pair of shredded jeans.

We  then find someone who satisfies us sexually and we enjoy all the fucking and sucking that goes on. Then we realize that we will never be sixteen again and the sex just isnt enough to fulfill us.

Instead of thinking about that one new person in our lives in a positive way, they become another burden we do not want to deal with. It all started out as fun and games and then that person wanted more than we were willing to give.

They want a ring on their finger and one through our nose and we refuse to go down that road again. We no longer even want to have sex with that person because in the back of our minds we are wondering how to break it off.

We don’t want to hurt that person but we sure do not want them in our lives permanently either. That is what they want and we knew that long ago but we chose to wear blinders and ignore that.

Yes, we were greedy and self-centered but we also made it clear or so we thought that we were not in the marriage market. What was once fun and exciting is no longer either and we just want out.

We realize that the type of individual we want in our lives is one that is mature and experienced in life. We no longer want to spend time with the one that is young and quite fuckable, in fact we do not even want fuckable any longer.

We want stability, reliability, maturity, security and we want it with someone who compliments us as an adult. We do not want to be someone’s daddy or mommy and we do not want to raise another person, even if we have fucked them.

So how do we let them down gently? How do we get them out of our life without hurting them, too much? We use the words, it’s not you its me and you did nothing wrong, it’s just not the right time in our lives to make it permanent.

We say all the bullshit that makes us take responsibility for the demise of the relationship but it still isn’t going to help heal their broken heart. We have no choice, we must break their heart to fulfill our own with the person we are meant to be with and that person isn’t 15 or 20 yrs younger than we are.

 

Closet of Color Pg. 5

Tags

eagled, fire, forced tease, handcuffed, ice

She sat back in the cab and the evening replayed itself over and over in her mind. She felt sick when she thought of him forcing himself upon her and she couldn’t believe a man his age would act in such a manner.

She looked out the window of the cab at the Joe Lewis arm which hung near the river in downtown Detroit. She could see the slabs of ice slowly working their way down the river when her attention was drawn to her phone.

She had received a text from a play partner who wanted to know if she would be interested in a night of play. He was a kinky bastard that enjoyed a good caning and he so loved when she handcuffed him and forced tease and denial upon his body.

He enjoyed it when she ran feathers across his body and he was totally helpless to do anything other than accept the different sensations she subjected him to . He enjoyed fire and ice play and she would get him so aroused but not allow him to touch himself.

This really excited him and turned him on as she kept him blindfolded and at her mercy. She never did anything he didn’t like and he had total trust in her and he never feared that she would do anything to embarrass or hurt him.

He didn’t mind being filmed or photographed as she let him see the video and pictures and he approved every piece of art they had made together. The biggest turn on for him was lying spread eagled and helpless to  move as she had chained him to the bed.

 

 

She didn’t play with just him which was so much fun as she had brought a third party into the mix. He allowed both of them to play with him and she had ordered Athena to do things to his body that were totally unexpected.

It was so fucking hot to have two women playing with him as he laid there helpless. There was Miss Sanctions who did the ordering and Athena who did what she was told to do.

He had never met anyone that could make a play session so damn exciting and she was worth her weight in gold. She never let him down and she always kept things so damn interesting.

Athena did as she was told and when they were done playing with him Miss Sanctions allowed him to be her partner when playing with Athena. Athena was open to anything and she never said no to any type of play.

Together, Miss Sanctions and he spend an evening of fun and new experiences. Miss Athena enjoyed being at Miss Sanctions mercy and she enjoyed doing the bidding of my domme’.

Athena was ordered to get her ass up in the air and to get on knees and she did as she was told. The straps kept her tied to the bed and she looked forward to getting fucked until she orgasmed over and over.

She so enjoyed getting her ass fucked as well as her pussy and she loved a dildo in her so both holes were filled at the same time. He would fuck her as he had been instructed to do and then he would remove his condom and she would suck his limp cock until he was hard again.

The play last for several hours and when the evening finally came to an end they were exhausted and ready for a good nights sleep. They never slept in the same bed they played in because they always showered and then crawled into bed naked. The clean sheets always felt so good against their exhausted bodies.

Pisces New Moon Solar Eclipse

The One

Tags

odd, permanent, relationship, unique

Did you ever find yourself attracted to someone but just couldn’t be with them at that particular time in your life? You attempted to forget them any way you could and even went as far as started to date someone else. You knew you had needs that needed to be met and you knew that you just weren’t ready to be with that special one? You knew more about that person than anyone else as you  read everything they had written.

You knew by reading their personal blog that they were exposing their deepest feelings and they were sharing the truth that they were living. You read about their fantasies and deepest desires, their fears, their accomplishments, the things that hurt them the most and their greatest disappointments. You  knew that person like the back of your hand and you admired them and you ended up desiring them and wanting to share their life with them.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3KHJKj9GgsI

You want to give them the world and make them happy and you want to touch them in every way possible. You want to fuck them but more than that you want to experience what making love with them would be like. You want to feel their touch, taste them and wake up with them next to you, you want to laugh with them and confide in them and you want to share your world with that person.

You knew that one day the two of you would be together but for now you were floating through life attempting to play catch up with years gone by. You met someone much your junior and she made you feel young and desirable again. You enjoy the sex and the laughter the two of you shared but you knew she wasnt a keeper, you knew you would never introduce her to your kids or your favorite sister.

You also knew that you had let the relationship grow beyond the boundaries that you wanted it to and you also knew you were going to have to break the heart of the one you spent time with. You than began to think about ending the relationship but it wasn’t so easy as you had invested yourself into it. You also knew you were not one to hurt anyone deliberately and you thought you had made it clear that the relationship wasn’t going to be permanent.

The two of you fell into something that became comfortable  and you knew by the little things they said and did screamed of turning something that was once simple into something much more permanent and complicated. You also knew this is not what you wanted because you knew deep down that the one you were meant to be with was waiting for you to be totally available and that person wanted you to experience the things that you missed in your earlier years.

You also knew that this person wasn’t the run of the mill person and that they were special in a unique way. You also knew that this person was meant just for you and they had something so unlike anyone you had ever met. This special person had the ability to make you think, make you wonder, make you question yourself and some of the things you had done and had felt. This one person was an odd duck but a duck you wanted to be with and you  would be with that person one day soon.

To Control

Tags

control, inflicting, pain

As a child I learned early on about the power of control through the use of pain. I was always fearful of the pain that my mother would inflict on me at any given moment if she was not pleased.

I can remember beatings from frying pans, steel brooms, match box car race tracks, wooden spoons or whatever was handy at that time. I remember clearly the bruises and being embarrassed by them and fearing that anyone would ever see them.

No matter how much she beat me I was afraid that I would be thrown into a much worse world if I said anything to anyone else. I also feared that if I said anything to anyone they would say something to my mother and the beatings would be even worse.

As I grew I wondered if knowing what someone enjoyed as much as didn’t enjoy was a way to control them. I found that feeding the enjoyment center of the brain ended up giving me much pleasure as well.

If you know what makes someone pleased and what they do not enjoy you have all the control you will ever need to make both of you happy. Inflicting pain isn’t always the answer as some may think.

Some people actually are convinced that inflicting great amounts of pain gives them power to control the individual. This is not true in many cases the one experiencing the pain uses this against the one inflicting the pain.

You may ask how this could be and the anser is weakness. If the only thing you can do to control me is to physically hurt me then you have no control at all. The mind can actually block the feeling of pain and some actually go into sub space. 

I chose to use control through understanding the desires of those in my life. The subs that I have dealt with unknowingly give me all of the power as they tell me what their deepest desires are.

Knowing this I use this to my advantage and take them to a place they have never been. So many subs have dealt with abusive domme’s that are taking out their issues from childhood or bad relationships out on the sub.

This is abuse and it is not bdsm but so many confuse the two. One thing that I am seeing quite a bit of is young girls extremely overweight looking for love in the bdsm world. They end up being pain subs and do not enjoy the pain being inflicted upon them but it gets them the attention they cannot find in the vanilla world.

They haven’t found what they are looking for other than for attention in the negative form. They confuse the top with someone who “loves” them when in fact the top has no love for that person.

Subs out number domme’s 10-1 and it is so easy to find a sub that you can take out your anger on. A weak domme or dom does this and it happens everyday and is just wrong. control is so misunderstood and the use of it is usually done improperly.

To truly control someone you need not inflict physical pain that is not desired by the sub. Even pleasure through materialism is limited and most people find real happiness by feeling desired and they enjoy hearing it and feeling the show of affection through physical means.

The power of touch is extremely desirable and can easily turn tears to smiles. When you are with the person you are meant to be with you always feel happiness. When you are with someone who is only meant to be in your life for a period of time, the newness totally wears off.

When this occurs there is no more fire you feel within your loins, you no longer cannot wait to be with that person and sexually you no longer think of being with that person constantly and making love.

When you find that one person that is meant for you your mind is always wanting to be with them, even after years have passed. The two of you fall into a perfectly fitting mold and you just know you belong together.

Gazing In Looking Back

Tags

collage, cracks, gold

Have you ever looked into a mirror and find yourself looking back in wonder? Wondering what happened to you? What happened in your life to make you the person you are today?

Have you  ever gazed in and looking back at yourself no longer know who you are or what you may feel? Did you ever look at yourself and see a collage of pieces making a picture of yourself?

It’s as if each piece represents a different year of your life, a different time. Maybe a gentler, more innocent time? Do you wonder if you can ever put those pieces back together again and you once again become whole?

Do you wonder if others can see the damage that you carry within? Do you wonder if you appear to be damaged goods to others? Do you accept the fact that being damaged isn’t so bad after all?

It is true that the damage we have suffered is the exact thing that makes us priceless and beautiful. Never let yourself look at yourself and see a failure, a waste, a human being that should not be. Fill those cracks with the gold from your heart and so many others will see your true value, eventually.

Relationship Reality

Tags

career, friendship, older, relationship, satisfaction, Sex, younger

It’s no secret that the first thing that goes in any relationship is the sex. We meet someone and we fuck like rabbits for about six to nine months and then the newness of it all wears off.

When we first start dating someone we go without sleep because we do not want to miss a single moment with that person. We have tons of sex and we get their attention as well.

Everyone likes to feel special and all of us like that giddy feeling that comes with dating someone new. If there is a big age difference then we are really tested over time. The younger the person the more sex they tend to have because it is the natural thing to do.

The older we get we enjoy a lot of sex as well with someone new but the truth is we get tired of fucking like rabbits. We tend to like a more settled type of relationship because we are work oriented.

As we get older we get our self satisfaction from our career and we find it so much more rewarding over time. We want to have someone to come home to that we can talk to, that we can share our lives with. We are not looking for spending our time out and about on the town so much.

As we grow older we need and want someone that we can connect with and no the younger people we meet do not fit the bill. When we leave our marriage or a long term relationship the first thing we do look for is sex.

We are not looking for another spouse, more children or someone to take care of. That is what the younger people we may date want. They are looking for marriage and to have kids or maybe have more kids.

That is definitely not what we want as we get older and we do not realize that the young person we are fucking wants so much more from us. We do not think about the pain we are going to cause the other person when we finally end that relationship.

We do not introduce them to our children or family because we have no intention of keeping them in our lives. They are just a fuck and a good time but they think they can get you to the altar once again.

There is nothing worse than seeing someone and knowing they want to get married and you do not. There is nothing worse than having to break it off with them and see the tears and hear their pleas.

Once you realize that the person you have been fucking isn’t someone you want to be with much longer you start reevaluating the type of person you want in your life. The type of person you truly want to grow old with.

We want someone who is closer to our age and has the same life experiences. We want someone mature and self supportive. We want someone who doesn’t need us as much as want us in their lives. 

We like people closer to our age because they can relate to us and they understand the importance of our careers to us. They understand us on so many different levels that someone much younger can never understand.

I think the older we are its important to build a friendship with someone before you crawl into bed with them. There is just something so wonderful about a friendship and maybe it’s because there is no pressure, no expectations. All I can say is be my friend first and lets just laugh and enjoy life and if things progress great and if they don’t well I still have a good friend.

Then There Were Two

Tags

death, loss, Mother

I haven’t had a relationship with my mother in many years but I have been thinking about her for the last several weeks. She had two major strokes several years ago and she was placed in  assisted living.

I have the uncanny ability to know things before they happen and I have been having a bad feeling regarding my mother. She passed away the beginning of February and the assisted living only had my home phone number.

I had disconnected my phone sometime ago and only have my cell phone and I just never got around to giving them that number. I had thought about it so many times but it just never seemed that important at the time.

The only family I have left is my sister and my children and that is where the “then there were two” comes into play. I have no extended family anymore and my sister is the devils spawn. I had told her about nine months ago that our mother wasn’t doing good and she needed to take care of the final arrangements.

My grandmother had left money to bury my brother and my sister commingled commingled those funds with her 401K. When my brother died I ended up paying for his cremation because my sister wouldn’t give me the money at the time. She finally did give it back about a year later and the rest of the funds she kept and said she would bury my mother, which she did.

My sister evidently flew to florida and saw my mother before she had her cremated and her ashes scattered over the ocean. Do you think she would have called me? Fuck no she is such a fucking bitch and will need me one day and I will not be there for her. She has done nothing but use everyone in her life and she has never been happy and never will be.

She is a lesbian that treats her lovers like shit and she doesn’t realize that when it comes down to it all she has is me. I am the only one that can make medical decisions for her, possibly give her a kidney or liver if we were a match. I am the only one that can take care of so many things for her as we are related.

She has no compassion yet she works in the medical field, she has no warmth or love to give as she is consumed with anger and hate. She is extremely successful but does that make one happy? Does that keep her warm at night? No and one day she will realize that she should have treated me with love and kindness.

I am glad my mother is finally gone as she had no quality to her life after the strokes and it was so hard for me to see her in a state of such weakness. My mother was the strongest person I have ever known and even though we didn’t have a good relationship I always carried a certain amount of respect for her.

She taught me how to care for myself and never to rely on a man. She taught me the importance of knowing how to do so many things that men do. My mother was a very mentally sick person but I have to admit she did the best she could under the conditions of her life.

You may wonder how I feel about my mother’s passing and all I can say is I feel numb. I don’t know how I feel other than I feel empty and I do not like this feeling one bit. It has taken the my mother’s death to make me accept the fact that she was a very ill woman who had no control over her treatment of others. 

This is a sad day for me regardless of the anger I carried all of these years towards my mother and now that she is gone I no longer have a reason to carry such anger towards her. I have tried very hard for years to understand why she did the things she did but it no longer matters, now does it?

This is a time in my life that I so wish I had someone to hold me, someone to listen to me, someone to be there for me. This is the time in my life that I wish I could let someone into my bed to hold my naked body and caress me. This is a time in my life that I really need to have the comfort of a man’s arms around and this is another day that I am all alone and hating it.

 

Muddled

Did you ever feel like you had no direction in life and didn’t know what you really wanted or how to get it? Have you ever felt like “today I know what I am doing” and then tomorrow comes and your brain is muddled with uncertainty once again?

Have you felt quite comfortable with the person you are currently dating but know in your heart of hearts that it’s not meant to last? You know that the person just isn’t the perfect fit for you?

You just do not get that all-consuming feeling when it comes to how you feel about them? You also know that they are getting tired of trying to get into your pants without any luck. You also know that if you had sex with that person that is all it would be, just sex.

Do you think about how to end the relationship but just don’t know how to without really hurting the person? You already know that no matter what you say or do you are going to hurt that person and yes it is going to be damn hard to break it off.

You already have someone special that you want to be with but know that they will not take you on until they feel that they have experienced the things that they need to. You just know that there is that special person that you want to be with so bad but you also know that they would offer you nothing more than a free meal and sex as desert.

Why don’t you build a friendship with that person and let things fall as they may? Why do we always look at people as sexual objects and wonder if they can satisfy us sexually? Im guilty of looking at men and wondering how they would please me sexually.

I wonder if they can touch me in a way that can make me want more of their touch and I wonder if they can give me an orgasm when they go down on me. I wonder what they would feel like once inside me and how it would feel to lie next to them after sex.

I am a very physical woman and I know the importance of touch when it comes to sexually arousing someone. I so love to touch the male body and I do it in such a way that the anticipation of what is to come next can drive a man crazy.

I love to have a man lie naked on his stomach and I kiss the inside of their ankles and work my way up to their ass. I love to kiss a man’s ass and his lower back and graze his back with my nipples as I work my way up his back.

I so love kissing and touching and I find it to me so exciting just to make out and touch his body. I love bringing pleasure to a man and that doesn’t mean I am a submissive. Yes, I am submissive to the right man but he is also submissive to me at times.

I know the man who I am meant to be with and yes I am waiting for him to come to me. He will come when the time is right and the time is getting closer every day. You just know when you belong with someone and yes I do belong with that one man even though we have yet to meet.

 

The Closet of Color Pg 4

Tags

fool, money, seduced, shove

She was so damn wet she could actually feel her wetness dripping down between her legs and the throbbing in her crotch was making her crazy with sexual desire. She had not met a man who had gotten her this wild with desire since she was a very young girl.

She let him push her back on the couch and they slowly ended up lying on the couch. He had managed to work his way on top of her and she could feel his hardness pressing onto her pelvis.

She couldn’t deny that she wanted to fuck him and she couldn’t deny that having a man inside of her again wouldn’t be just what the doctor ordered. She slipped off her heels and she could hear them hit the floor with a thud.

She could feel his hand working its way down her hip and she had to decide if she was going to let the playtime continue or to stop him. Her mind screamed no while her body screamed even louder  yes.

She hadn’t been physical in so long that letting a man between her legs required him to have that something that no other man had. She wasn’t quite sure how to describe it but this man had “it.”

Even though he had the “it” factor as she referred to it as he still wasn’t the man who had been in her dreams for the last six years. He wasn’t the man who kept her going each and every day.

He had been a total gentlemen up to this point but he was starting to exhibit a control that she wasn’t giving into. He wanted to own her, control her, order her about and that had become painfully obvious.

She didn’t mind giving in to him under her conditions but she was in no way going to be his personal whore. She knew he was dating other women and she knew that he had buried his cock in some pretty shady areas.

He was a man who had pussy thrown at him at every turn and no he didn’t mind taking what he wanted from each and every one of them. He knew all he had to do was strike a conversation with any one of them and he would be getting fucked within moments.

His arrogance oozed through each and every pore as he said to her “you want me and you know it”. The words made her skin run instantly cold and she was so turned off she thought she would puke.

Even after telling him no he continued to try to force her legs open with his strong thighs but that only pissed her off. She finally raised one knee rather quickly and she made a nice connection with his cock and balls.

She could hear the wind being knocked out of him and the pain taking over and she didn’t give a fuck. No man would ever rape her again as she was no longer a young nineteen year old that was quite naive.

Her mind took her back to a time that she wanted to forget forever but knew she never would. She could once again feel the pain of the black eye and the painful bruises from the assault.

She had been so young and innocent back then and she had put trust into a blind date. He had taken from her something so near and dear to her and she would never forget that horrific night.

He had taken her innocence and left her with his sperm embedded into one of her eggs. It was bad enough to be taken advantage of but even worse to find that you are with a child that you never wanted.

Here she was on a couch almost reliving a time that she had no desire to remember. Once she knead him he attempted to bury his face in her shoulder and she ended up pushing him off of her onto the floor.

As he laid there crying out in pain he called her everything but a white woman. She put her feet on the floor and stood up, without hesitation she kicked him in the groin once again.

She told him he could shove his fancy lifestyle up his ass and he could go fuck himself as she didn’t need or want anything he had. She was nobody’s fool and he would never again touch her.

She grabbed her coat and walked out on him without a second glance. She knew she would hear from him again because he was so egotistical that he couldn’t let a woman ever get one over on him.

She walked away with a sadness in her heart that brought tears to her eyes. She wondered why she could never meet anyone that was decent, had class and treated her with a respect that was unquestionable.

She walked through the casino looking at the many different faces as some hit jackpots on the roulette wheel and others on the slot machines. She had seen what money can make people do and she wondered what these people where doing to do with their winnings.

Her own sister had been seduced by money which lead her to put her own grandmother in an early grave. Yes, her sister was the devils spawn and she was a heartless bitch who cared for no one and found her happiness through purchasing shit that made her momentarily happy.

Her own mother had practically sold herself to men for a free meal. Her mother wanted a man to support her and take care of her so bad that her kids meant nothing to her. She had even packed up her belongings and headed to Florida to pursue a man when her son turned eighteen.

She pushed open the doors to the outside of the casino and she took a deep breath breathing in the fresh cold air. She felt rejuvenated as she walked briskly to the restaurant to call a cab.

She was not going to allow him to drive her home as he had proven that his worth was worthless. He had acted like some control freak and she was having none of it as his feeble attempt at taking what he wanted from her was a failure. TO BE CONTINUED…….

Closet of Color Page 3

Tags

Business, cucumbers, fantasy, rod stewart

She was never without the desire to try something new and that included being open to having another female join in the bedroom. She was well aware that most men had the fantasy of two women and she was not above giving a man his fantasy.

She had met him at his casino and they had a lovely dinner of white asparagus poached in a semi sweet wine, new potatoes, a salad of fresh greens, cherry tomatoes, pickling cucumbers, red onions, walnuts and pecans tossed in a balsamic vinigrette and crown pork roast.

The dinner was paired with lovely wines and a sorbet to cleanse ones palette. They had danced to Rod Stewart and he was a fantastic dancer which she appreciated. He had given her a lovely diamond necklace and she thanked him but gave it back to him.

He wasn’t used to a woman giving back such a priceless gift and he found her to be an odd woman. She was wearing a beautiful dress that allowed him the privilege of a bit of a side boob peek.

His hand fell right into place around her waist and they fit so well together as they danced in unison. He felt that she complimented him in every way as she was the perfect dinner partner and she was able to command a table at business dinners as well.

She was what every man wanted in a woman as she could speak on any subject intelligently and at the business dinner she had attended with him she impressed those highly educated that sat at the table.

She knew exactly what to say and when to say it and she had a way of drawing anyone in that spoke to her. The women at the table were all quite bland next to her and every man at the  table made a feeble attempt to gain her attention.

She was kind and graceful but she never let him forget that she was with him and him alone. He had several business men ask him if they were serious or just friends and he made it clear that she was off-limits to all of them.

She drank bourbon with the men and smoked a cigar like a pro and when they went to the black jack table she was able to win handsomely. She was kind to the waitresses and respectful to the black jack dealer and she was nothing  but class.

She was unlike any other woman he had ever spent time with and he wanted her to be his. He didn’t want to share her with anyone and he wanted to taste every inch of her but she was not so easy as most women where.

He had never had any trouble getting a woman into bed, in fact there had not been a single woman who had been a challenge. A few drinks, a few bucks and off came their clothing.

But this lady, well this lady was not only a challenge for him, she was the challenge of his life. He had tried the flowers and diamonds to get to her but she didn’t falter or give in at all.

He found he could not buy her, flatter her, promise her anything to let him have his way with her. She was so unlike any woman he had ever been with as she was intelligent, warm, kind, demanding in a desirable way, beautiful, intriguing, beyond interesting and he wanted her.

They sat in his private suite and chatted and he slowly moved in for the kiss, the kiss that would lead her into his bed or so he had thought. He placed his hand upon her neck and pulled her close and as soon as their lips met he felt an electrical shock run through his body.

His cock got rock hard instantly and she was a pro at french kissing which so turned him on. She placed her hand on the back of his head and worked her magic playing with his ear lobe.

She kissed him and drew him in close to her and he so enjoyed feeling her nipples against his chest. He loved the feel of her body and not wearing a bra made things so much more exciting for him.

She allowed him the pleasure of unbuttoning her blouse and fondling her boobs and nipples. He kissed her neck and worked his way down her cleavage and to each nipple. She let him suckle her nipples as she sucked in her breath with desire for him to make love to her. TO BE CONTINUED…….