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I haven’t had a relationship with my mother in many years but I have been thinking about her for the last several weeks. She had two major strokes several years ago and she was placed in  assisted living.

I have the uncanny ability to know things before they happen and I have been having a bad feeling regarding my mother. She passed away the beginning of February and the assisted living only had my home phone number.

I had disconnected my phone sometime ago and only have my cell phone and I just never got around to giving them that number. I had thought about it so many times but it just never seemed that important at the time.

The only family I have left is my sister and my children and that is where the “then there were two” comes into play. I have no extended family anymore and my sister is the devils spawn. I had told her about nine months ago that our mother wasn’t doing good and she needed to take care of the final arrangements.

My grandmother had left money to bury my brother and my sister commingled commingled those funds with her 401K. When my brother died I ended up paying for his cremation because my sister wouldn’t give me the money at the time. She finally did give it back about a year later and the rest of the funds she kept and said she would bury my mother, which she did.

My sister evidently flew to florida and saw my mother before she had her cremated and her ashes scattered over the ocean. Do you think she would have called me? Fuck no she is such a fucking bitch and will need me one day and I will not be there for her. She has done nothing but use everyone in her life and she has never been happy and never will be.

She is a lesbian that treats her lovers like shit and she doesn’t realize that when it comes down to it all she has is me. I am the only one that can make medical decisions for her, possibly give her a kidney or liver if we were a match. I am the only one that can take care of so many things for her as we are related.

She has no compassion yet she works in the medical field, she has no warmth or love to give as she is consumed with anger and hate. She is extremely successful but does that make one happy? Does that keep her warm at night? No and one day she will realize that she should have treated me with love and kindness.

I am glad my mother is finally gone as she had no quality to her life after the strokes and it was so hard for me to see her in a state of such weakness. My mother was the strongest person I have ever known and even though we didn’t have a good relationship I always carried a certain amount of respect for her.

She taught me how to care for myself and never to rely on a man. She taught me the importance of knowing how to do so many things that men do. My mother was a very mentally sick person but I have to admit she did the best she could under the conditions of her life.

You may wonder how I feel about my mother’s passing and all I can say is I feel numb. I don’t know how I feel other than I feel empty and I do not like this feeling one bit. It has taken the my mother’s death to make me accept the fact that she was a very ill woman who had no control over her treatment of others. 

This is a sad day for me regardless of the anger I carried all of these years towards my mother and now that she is gone I no longer have a reason to carry such anger towards her. I have tried very hard for years to understand why she did the things she did but it no longer matters, now does it?

This is a time in my life that I so wish I had someone to hold me, someone to listen to me, someone to be there for me. This is the time in my life that I wish I could let someone into my bed to hold my naked body and caress me. This is a time in my life that I really need to have the comfort of a man’s arms around and this is another day that I am all alone and hating it.