I have been thinking about my husband this past week as it has been four years since he passed away. I was never in love with him or him with me. Together we forged a really good friendship and I think that is why we rarely if ever fought or disagreed. I was thinking of the day I found out he was dying and I realized he wasn’t even aware that his life was almost over.

We were going through a divorce and he had been seeing the dr. and she had told him he was with leukemia and he had the worse type. When I visited him in the hospital the dr. walked in and introduced herself to me and she told me how sick my husband was. I looked at her with shock and asked her how long he had.

She looked at me and then him and I could tell by the pleading in her eyes that she didn’t want either of us to ask that question that a dr. hates to answer. My husband asked her how long? A year? Six months? and the dr. said one month. I was floored, the wind knocked out of me with a baseball bat, reality became to real for me at that moment.

The dr. walked out of the room and I sat down on the hospital bed next to my husband. I looked into his eyes and I could no longer control myself, I could no longer hold back the tears. I bent over and put my head in his lap and I cried, yes I cried like a baby as I didnt want him to die. 

My attorney and I had talked and said if he died it would make things so much easier and yes most of us going through an ugly break up at one time or another which our significant other would die. How many people actually are faced with such a thing happening?

Looking back I guess my luck has always been bad and yes if it could go wrong it always did in my life. I can honestly say I have never felt guilty for wanting him to die because it is very common for people to feel the way I did in the situation we were in at that time.

Did I want him to die? No, I was angry and he had made my life a living hell. Does that justify me wanting him dead, no it doesnt but I am human and being so makes me fallible and say and do things that are regrettable. I do miss my husband as he and I grew together and experienced so much together.

We grew as individuals as well as a couple and it is hard to walk away from that regardless how angry two people are at each other. There are days I miss him terribly but I have to admit that I am happier without him in my life and I know the man I am meant to be with is walking closer to me every day.