How many of you woke up to the other side of your bed empty? How many of you woke up holding a pillow close to your chest? Maybe some of you are glad that the other side of the bed is empty and some of you I am sure miss the body that used to fill that space.

Today, is the fifth anniversary of my husband’s death. He died ten days after his birthday. I cannot describe how I feel as it is a strange feeling as we were going through a divorce.

We were one month away from making things final when we found out he only had a month to live. Of course I was very angry at the things he did to me during the divorce but karma stepped in and I did the right thing.

I brought him home and to be honest it felt just like it did when we were together. Empty is how I felt and I flipped my  shit when he died. I totally had a mental breakdown. I was actually losing my  shit during the divorce and his death was the only string left that needed to be pulled, if you know what I mean.

It feels so strange and the only thing I can say is I truly do wonder if I will have someone in my life that helps be to forget April 26, 2011. I do miss the feel of a body next to me as sleeping with someone by your side is comforting.

I miss the man that was to become my very best of friends. I miss the man that was with me during every positive and negative thing in my life for the past 21 years I believe. As you can tell my marriage didnt mean much as I do not even know for sure how long we had been married. I do remember that we married June 3, 1994.

I have had to struggle for the first 3/12 yrs after he died. I had lost my kids to the state because I just could not take care of them mentally. Im not proud to have to admit that but not to be honest then I couldn’t tell you my  story.

After my husband died I was so mentally scrambled and couldn’t even take care of my pets. I had severe depression suck me up like the dirt in the carpet. I had to go through hoops to get the kids back but I finally did get them back.

Because my daughter was actually taken away from me she qualified for a grant to help her through college. It was terrible when they took her away and my heart was broken to watch her cry as they drove away.

She had to stay with this foster family for about two weeks before I could get her back. It is amazing how something good can always come from something bad? She got help with college so yes something good happened out of something terrible.

My son was in the hospital battling depression as well as being bipolar.I had to drive an hour one way to see him every Saturday for several hours. He got a lot of help but he also held alot inside about his dad.

So here I sit trying to pick up all of the pieces that I have become, trying to find a part of me that is settled.I so wish to find that quiet place inside that one feels safe and secure and one feels like  they are home again.