The heels of my boots echoed through the foyer and into the study. Standing in front of the study window, I slowly unzipped my leather jacket and removed each arm and placed it on the back of the chair.
Looking out at the brightness of the snow in my mind I could see myself diving into the snow and coming up into a lake of water. It was one of those days that was reflective of my past and no it wasnt invited into my immediate world.
I sat back in the tall back computer chair, with my hands clasped in my lap and I felt as if I had been hit with a bucket of cold water. Not one for tears very often I could feel the weight of a salty tear hanging on the brim of my lower lashes. I didnt want to let it go but the tear made the decision when it would roll down my face.
I wasn’t prone to full blown crying spells but this single tear worked its way down my cheek leaving a wet, jagged trail. Just a single tear to bring on just as much heartache as crying my heart out.
I tried not to look in my past but the deep, dark tunnel grabbed me and pulled me in like two polar opposite magnets. Memories are suppose to make us laugh, make us smile and we tend to bury the painful ones only allowing them to surface for short periods of time.
The melancholy shower pelted me painfully with memory after memory. The sadness and emptiness I felt enveloped itself around me and wetting the glue and closing of the envelope shut sealed my emotional fate for the day.
Isn’t it funny how we can hide from our spouse, hide from our pets, hide from ourselves but we cannot hide from emotional pain. I have always been one to use my words to express myself, may it be a short story or a poem. My words keep me from hiding and I find writing to be a healing source.
Its terrible how our minds can run videos of the past through our minds over and over. Our emotional state tends to control what video we will see. We could go back to standing in front of a casket looking down at our spouse or best friend.
We could of as easily played the video when our first born child entered the world and the happiness we felt knowing that the child had ten fingers and ten toes and was healthy. My mind is like a room full of videos labeled, referenced and cross referenced again.
I wish I could be a ghost rider and gallop through my mind pulling all the painful videos out and burning them. I cannot figure out why we must relive the past may it be for a second or for an hour.
This particular day was a day of acceptance and truth, I know longer allowed my rose colored glasses to color my world. I took them off and crushed them under the weight of my leather boot.
We can be lead to believe one thing when in fact that one thing has been a lie. Some of us tend to get by each day on a lie and when we finally accept the truth it tends to make the day sad and solemn.
I had played “dress up” in my mind for so long the very thought of accepting anything different just wasnt plausable. As I stripped away all the regal dresses leaving myself standing naked in front of the mirror, the truth washed over me.
I had lived in a fantasy world for the last six years or maybe longer. I think the fantasy world is what helped me get through each day. I no longer wanted to live the fantasy-only the reality. I can tell you its damn hard to accept what is true and what is a lie and its even harder letting go of the helium filled balloons, once let go would float away in the wind with all the lies.
Its called freeing oneself and living life once again. Not all of us are born with a silver spoon in our mouth or the gift and talent to make the world look up to us. I for one have no desire to meet anyone famous or rich. I for one only want the simplest of life, roof over my head, clothes on my back, food on my table, and happiness, yes loads and loads of happiness.
I dont know how many people feel as deeply as I do and it really doesnt matter now does it? Some people display not a single emotional at any time in their lives while others are emotional poster children for all to see.
I have been told that I am to emotional, to fat, to old, to stupid. I have been told these things more than once but it doesnt matter because I know what I am and what I am not. I stand firm in my beliefs and my spirituality is what holds me up when all I want to do is drop to the ground.
Am I special? Are you special? Damn right, everyone of us is special in our own way. We make others smile, laugh, giggle, we make the world a better place. When you have a day like I have had you have to just let it run its course. Then we must pull ourselves by our bootstraps and carry on. We must appreciate ourselves, smile and lock the video room of our mind.